Issue date: 4/23/09 Section: Entertainment

7:00 AM - Wake up to the sounds of beautiful birds chirping outside the
window.
7:01 AM - Order White House Secret Service to murder said birds and serve
them to me for breakfast.
7:30 AM - Have a delicious breakfast of songbirds wrapped in bacon, made
all the more enjoyable by the fact that I have no heart and thus am free
of worry over cholesterol.
8:30 AM - Sit around being a fat, useless, piece of crap.
11:00 AM - Watch the recording of the last football game of my favorite
college football team… the freaking Auburn Tigers.
12:00 PM - Eat a small child.
12:20 PM - Head to press conference, push away any interns that begin to
orbit around the gravitational field of my massive bloated gut.
1:00 PM - Arrive at conference. Practice speech (must remember to work on
evil laugh)
2:00 PM - Begin speech. Silence and crush all naysayers to the glorious
new world order by dashing their careers to pieces like a mongoloid
child's skull on sidewalk pavement. (note: remember to dash a mongoloid
child's skull on the way back. Make sure you don't do it on the White
House lawn this time - you don't want a repeat of last Thursday)
2:30 PM - Set a new record for ballsiness by destroying Stephen Hawking's
credibility in the field of physics based on the argument that if he was
so smart, he'd have figured out how to walk by now.
3:00 PM - Leave conference. Stop at an orphanage to do "you know what".
4:00 PM - Meet with Presidential Cabinet to discuss new position as "Chief
Inquisitor of the American Loyalty Police".
5:00 PM - Deliver food to the news reporters locked up in the dungeon.
(Note: how long have they been there? Was it since that first meeting
between Hillary and Obama?)
6:00 PM - Work on a chapter of my new book, "Redefining Rhetoric."
7:00 PM - Glut on the shattered dreams of all those that have stood in the
way of the iron treads of the new regime.
8:00 PM - Watch more of the Auburn Tigers. Is there no end to my villainy?
9:00 PM - Say a quick prayer to the Lord of Darkness, of whom I owe my
soul for my pathetic career and the lack of morality that allowed me to
succeed.

Writer's Note: You may have noticed that I seem to bear a particularly
strong dislike for Press Secretary Mr. Gibbs. One might even rate my
feelings for him as "pathological hatred". Well, the reason for this is
that Mr. Gibbs and I share a similar means of communication. We both use
hyperbole and outright fabrications in our arguments in order to get our
point across. The difference is that Mr. Gibbs actually expects you to
believe his slander.

In closing, I'd like to deliver a quote from Mr. Gibbs himself. It was
made in regards to the meme that started the rumor that President Obama
was actually a Muslim:

"These malicious, irresponsible charges are precisely the kind of politics
the American people have grown tired of."

For once, Mr. Gibbs is absolutely correct. These ARE the charges that we
are tired of, so please stop making them yourself against legitimate
critics of the Obama administration.

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