Issue date: 4/23/09 Section: News and Opinion

As a fourth year student majoring in Leisure Skills here at Clemson, I have had a great deal of free time on my hands. Not to say that Leisure Skills is easy - quite the contrary. Leisure is a skill that can be mastered only by the truly diligent. However, to fill the massive holes in my daily schedule, I like to sit around and think.

My latest thoughts have been related to parking on Clemson's campus. A 2002 report states that parking on Clemson's Campus is "not well distributed" despite the surplus. Though stating that a garage is more of a "desire" rather than a "need", the most feasible location is said to be behind Sikes Hall. I have a much better idea that I think will get both student and faculty support.

To solve parking issues at Clemson, all we really need to do is demolish Death Valley and put in a massive, 13 story parking structure. To fund the project, we simply sell the leftover rubble, turfgrass, frozen hotdogs, and pieces of Howard's Rock as souvenirs to the supporters of Clemson's athletic programs at unjustifiably high prices. We know they will appreciate our thoughtfulness. Before the demolition, we can take down the megatron and use it to broadcast highlights of this year's intramural cricket tournament as an opening ceremony. Because cricket players deserve their day in the sun.

Though maybe you're thinking to yourself, "But Russel, what about football? Clemson has to have a football team." Simple. All we have to do is move all games to Williams-Bryce stadium at USC. This will bring more unity and love to the state of South Carolina. Clemson and USC fans can forget this silly rivalry and join hands, sitting side by side, watching the greatest game that God has given to man.

The benefits of the new parking garage are nearly incalculable. Also, the project will be green. So green, in fact, I guarantee you that the Lucky Charms cereal mascot will publicly renounce his Irish citizenship just to be able to use it. Now, instead of having busses drive a quarter-mile to drive us to class from parking spots, they only have to drive one-tenth of a mile! Imagine the gasoline savings!

Also, the garage will be built entirely out of recycled beer cans collected in the surrounding fields after old football games. Not only will it be green, but the remaining blue and silver can labels will form an artsy mosaic, sporting poetic lines such as "Bud light Coors frost brewed light miller can lite beast ice". The reflexive nature of the beer can alloy will also make the structure visible from space as it will reflect light from both the sun and moon simultaneously. Brighter days and cooler climes are ahead, Clemson!

I know that this is a project we can all stand behind. Clemson has long needed a parking garage, and the gaping hole left after the violent demolition of one of Clemson's most overrated facilities is the perfect place to put it. Join me in emailing Geary Robinson, Director of Parking Services, in support of this project. GEARYLR@clemson.edu

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